A 33 year old woman came to find
the answer for her sadness for unknown reasons.
Session….
I am meditating sitting on a high stone rock. At the end of
my meditation I am looking at the Sun and Namaste to Sun. I took my stuff and
walked down the rock. As I am walking wearing a white Dhoti, a white thread and
Rudraksh Mala,I can tell I am so energized. I am bald except for a black Choti
on the back of my head. My body and brain both are refreshed. I have beautiful
black eyes and fair skin tone. As I am walking towards my house I see villagers
paying me respect “Namaskar”. I am enjoying my status, my mind and everything
around me.
Suddenly I see a girl running and
behind her couple of people trying to catch her. I run towards her without
giving a second thought. She comes towards me. As I reach her, I signaled her
to come behind me. I covered her. The
moment she touched my back as she was hiding, I felt instant attraction towards
her. People who followed her are in front of me but they leave as they respect
me. I bring the girl home as I cannot leave her in the middle. We don’t talk on
the way.
My mother is at home and she
gives her food. She looks at me constantly. I am attracted to her. After few days of her
stay at our home one day she came upstairs in my room. She said she wants to
marry me. I was shocked but confused as I was a saint but I was attracted
towards her also. She feels safe with me and attracted to me. She is bold and
very straight forward. She is very clear but I am confused about marriage. I
leave the home in confusion. I came back in the evening and found her in my
room waiting for me. I hugged her passionately and said yes.
We are getting married. Marriage ceremony
is over. Suddenly some villagers carrying lathis in their hands came to our
house. I realized I lost my respect due to this marriage. Villagers were very
angry with me. I don’t know who she was and in what situation she was in. I
married her due to attraction and the situation we were in. It was only love,
no judgment for each other. But this was not enough for society. The villagers
almost beat me to death but I don’t feel the pain. They took her away to the
river. Somehow I run behind them but they drown her in front me and I could not
do anything. She died in the river. I think to drown myself also as I did not
want to live any more but I did not do it. I spent days and nights on the river
bank, just sitting sad and helpless. And then I came back to my home.
Now I am little older, two young
boys run around the house and smile at me. I often see them in my home and
around. I think they are growing with me. I spent all my life in sadness and
without purpose. I lost my physical and mental beauty just repenting on the
thought that I could not live my life as I wanted. I was neither a saint nor a
family man. I am sad, has no interest and liveliness as I had when in was young.
I felt failure inside. I died in sadness.
