Session....
I am a tall woman formally dressed in a office
somewhere in Europe. The signage here is in a language not known to me. It
seems like it is Germany as there are Nazi signs. (explains the dislike for any
movie or documentary made on World War II, I just cannot watch ).
I am in this office to meet a man in dark colour
uniform and request him to let the women in my shelter home to go and bring
their men’s body for graceful burial. The list in my hand is of soldiers who
died in World War II. I am polite and tactful with him but despite my pleading
he sent me away saying that he has more important issues to address and he does
not know where bodies could be found. I went back to the shelter home and was
very upset. It was very painful to explain to them that I failed and i cannot
help them to even mourn over their personal loss.
Both of us me and my husband are Doctors, but
after the war I was given the charge of the shelter home for women and children
whose husbands died in the war and lost their home. All these men were taken forcefully
to the battle field. I see my husband occasionally during his very short visits
as he is lot busy taking care of injured soldiers in the Nazi camps.
We both are still in college when we get married,
may be 21, we are class mates. We have an amazing bond and are close friends
too. He is my soul mate in present life. We are blessed with a beautiful baby
boy. We had very happy times till the beginning of war.
My son is 3 or 4 years old. We lost him, someone
took him away and I do not know how this happened. I am crying at the very
painful loss ( I have always been scared of having children, always felt i was
too absent minded to be a good mother, this fear was to the extent that i would
not hold any baby and would always avoid being with children and this seems to
have the answer to my phobia of having children).
My husband became very quiet after the loss of our
son. I feel deep inside he blames me for being careless and our relation has
turned cold. During this time the War started.
Germany is getting divided into 2 parts. Since my
husband is working in the Nazi camps which are in West Germany, we are
separated by law of the land. They never let us be together. There are high
fences and we meet for the last time. He is cold like a stone with no emotions
in his warm eyes. Looking at him it felt as if i never knew him.
I work in a hospital during day shifts only. I
enjoy the shelter home and the social work more than treating patients. Life is
just a routine after this, we write to each other regularly but that is the
only source of hope in life... One day i die of a heart attack while waiting
for the postman, i was maybe 54. I carried so much pain and agony. I am upset
and carrying sadness, grief and a sense of loss as I did not accept my
circumstances. Deep inside I knew I wasted my life in wait and in sadness. (My
head felt so heavy that i started to feel the headache). It seems I had to
learn the lesson of “ACCEPTANCE". I moved up into light and looking from above
I felt my husband had accepted that life.
Reorientation…..
I am repeating the same pattern at certain times,
acceptance does not come to me easily. I fight the circumstances to the extent
of forgetting to live life. I do not accept what I do not like. I turn the
table around and change my situation but it takes lot of energy and effort, it
does not come to me easily.
But one lesson i need to learn. In life we cannot
have everything together and we need to surrender at times. It is a matter of
faith too. When one has complete faith and surrenders then usually life takes a
positive turn. I had not learnt that as
a result i was complaining and once you complain you cannot be grateful. I
believe this is one of the most valuable lessons that i had failed to learn and
I am so happy and grateful that i have been reminded of it in a way that i
would never be able to forget. Thank
you Dr. Vandana !!!
